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Saturday, August 9th, 2003
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i have a new livejournal...this one was too fuckin..looked at, i added you, add me back. cause i don't wanna say it on here.
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(Here's to cheap sex and codine.)
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Thursday, August 7th, 2003
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today i worked 3-7:30, went home, attempted to eat, went to the beach for a little, then came back home and watched rules of attraction. michelle is in mexico til like sun or monday i dunno. i work tomorrow from 4-10. in the morning im gonna sleep. sleep til 1, damn RIGHT. i wanted to make a new lj lol, and i was gonna save the code for lissa, right, then i decided to be a selfish motherfucker and make myself one then generate a code, and give her it. but she got it before me. SUKKA! but ill just get hers, it's chill. or maybe i shouldn't even make a new one. i dunno. who cares. i get paid tomorrow, hell fuckin yes. i'm wearing my shirt i got in maui, and it's way too small, it's cool cause it has a turtle on it with FISHIES everywhere, but it's too small and i don't wanna wear it, in public anyway. i haven't slept in my bd in like 4 days. it's awesome that tonight i can. i'm excited. haha what a fuckin loser right? but shhhhh i have no sheets. i need to clean my car dude, i need to wash it, it needs to be cleaaaaaan. but i'm too lazy and i've been too busy. strike when ready. i don't think i'm gonna waste my time on watching extreme rock anymore, cause it blows and i haven't seen a good video on there for like months. i saw american wedding the otherday, kinda funny, dont wanna get married. fuck the weekend and it's choices
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(Here's to cheap sex and codine.)
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so there's that one thing that noone knows, except michelle, and she only know because shjes seen it, but noone knows about it. it's something that' supposed to keep secret from everyone because it's just....it's like eating...you just don't tell anyone you do it because it's so natural for you to do it in a day. last night i was talking to michelle about t because we were playing mind games with each other and it just turned into this stripped of all emotion thing. now it's a fuckin...i'm talking about something you do out of shame, because it has to keep you going in life.it's something that has taken over your life and it sets the agenda it's mental and physical. i hate it no, i used to love it but now i just hate it. it's time consuming, and mentally draining. i didn't think it was anything really until last night, i mean i didn'twant it to be man, but it just happened to be. but michelle told somebody like 2 moths ago, real goddamn important, but..at first i got so mad, cause i trusted her, but all she wanted to do was help..so i understood..she told me that out of everyone i'm the one who's supposed to understand her out of everyone and sometimes she doesn't even think i do. we stayed up until 3 talking, there were tears, grudges, award silences..just tears..lots of them and connections.. i kinda, i dunno dude, i just.. i could see it in her eyes how much she cares for me and i her voice everytime she broke down crying because of me. i believed her when she said that i'm stronger than what i give myself credit to and im not the person on the couch in a ball crying because i let something take over me. i just..man..i thought everyone has something that they can't kick you know, something that is in control. theni kinda figured out that not everyone has something controlling their lives, and if they do it's not alright. only people like me have habits like these that control them and can't kick, it's people like me who always have to have something there that will eventually kill me. maybe other people have habits that are good for them. only people like me. i wish i waslike 14 again, although it wasn't long ago, but at that age i was fuckin pure, i didn't have the thoughts i had, i mean i went through some shit, but dude i was ultimately okay about it dude, i knew i could get through it and i ws optimistic, iwas fuckin..just a happy kid. then time went on and i got into relationships, i got into drugs, i got into other things, i went through more, and i felt other things. i became this. someone who is dependent on something to get them through the day. i'm not even dependent on michelle to get me through thre day, i'm dependent on her as being in my life..but not day by day. i don't know what happened but now i'm in this spiral of lying, of drugs, of addictions of love and confusion. i feel helpless. i just wanna feel and be happy. but CAUSE IF I CAN'T LEARN TO MAKE MYSELF FEEL BETTER HOW I EXPECT AYONE ELSE TO GIVE A SHIT?! cause i swear that i'm dying, slowly but it's happening.
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(Here's to cheap sex and codine.)
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Wednesday, August 6th, 2003
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i need a new lj code, real bad. please? if someone could give me one id love you for fuckin ever! prettttty puhhlease? hahah um..yeah..so how about it?
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(1dead ♥ Here's to cheap sex and codine.)
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helloo. i fuckin love everytime i die, and you know goddamn well i'm gonna see them ont the 29th..yes. i can bet your ass too. i worked yesterday forlik 2 hours and they showed me how to close and to clean up..eh it was ok, kinda boring at night. my mom decided to almost make me late by having a vomit fest and clog the toilet with it and decided she was too embarassed to clean it up herself although it came from her body...? i'm not sure.. but i had to clean it up, and it almost made me throw up because it fuckin stunk and it looked like shit. but nonetheless i cleaned it up and hurried off to work and didn't come home..but i'm proud of her cause she didnt resort to painkillers to relieve the shame she felt. cause she usually does that. awesome. michelles going to fuckin mexico AGAIN...but of course i can't go cause i have to work on the weekends and she doesn't, i seriously don't klmnow what she likes doing over there for so long, but i know gettin drunk day and night has somethin to do with it and clubbing... i trust her though, so basically i'm alone thur-sun. RAD! but i work a lot in between those days and i have to make my schedule for my classes. soo about my day...the other night we wre all pretty fucked up, well i wasn't that much, i was...other fucked up..put it that way and i went outside to go get something in my car and i had a towel on and it fell off it was so fuckin funny dude and i stayed there naked for like a couple of seconds, then we went to wallmart and i put on xtra large scrubs with a big brown belt on and westarted rollin around and falling, funny shit, you had to be there. i want a video camera, i wanna make pORNO. mine, that is...here's to cheap sex and codine. my quitting stuff..it didn't work to well...i wanted to i wanted to so bad. but dude i couldn't i just couldn't. but it's cool. when i start shooting up, you can worry.;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; michelles moving. but like 10-20 min away. if shes gonna stay out there alot, she (well i wouldn't) expect me to be waiting for her. cause i wont. hah. i ant new lj friends. i'm looking for some.
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(Here's to cheap sex and codine.)
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Tuesday, August 5th, 2003
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michelle has the week off, i wont be on much. kinda..maybe..bye bbbye sukkka and member i said since i did so good my first day of work? yeah well now they want me to work more, i hope to rack up hours and get more money., whos a good salesperson...me, thats right.
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(1dead ♥ Here's to cheap sex and codine.)
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uhh it's gonna be 3:30 in the damn morning and i egged the peoples cars across ths street cause theyre too goddamn loud and played the postal service. wait til daylight. bitch. today in total ive sneezed like 29 times, oh my god i wish i had a gun. michelle comes home tomorrow i hate fat people. a lot. in college do you have to get fat? ive seena lot of fat college people. i fuckin love every time i die with all of my bitter heart.i saw a movie called "spun" today it had absolutely no meaning or purpose but was pretty cool, at the end people got to sleep. awesome. but i'm quitting i promise. god i swear it. it makes me all damn antsy though and giddy and fuckin man i duno. fuckin NERVOUS!. i have no girlfriend. i have no lover. i have nothing and she hasn't the prettiest of eyes. LAST CALL. ka-ka- kill it. my nose is running 20x more than it usually does. alright i admit. i'm a shitty human of a human being. i fuck with peoples minds, i lie to them to make them feel better, or just cause to get the FUCK OUT OF MY FACE. i talk shit in my head and it comes out often. only the lonesome loveme. only the careless can handle me. i promise i mgonna impact everyones life. i work tomorrow from 4-7, i WISH that i could say i'd love to watch you walk away but you probably wont be back intime to hear it. i don't feel very well. brought to you by the very random, but productive thoughts of chris.
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(Here's to cheap sex and codine.)
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Saturday, August 2nd, 2003
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| Time: | 5:19 pm. |
| Mood: |  blank. |
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uh i worked today today from 11-5, it was cool, i like it, i made more than what i was supposed to so that's good for me. umm someone knocked on the door fr my brother cause they were gonna go somewhere i gues and i said "theres a goddamn crackwhore at the door' cause she had fishnet stockings on and she looked like shit and she got offended and left. i laughed. umm i kinda like being alone a little bit. i'm sicker than a damn dog. and my head hurts.
so um phrase of the day :"theres a goddamn crackwhore at the door"
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(Here's to cheap sex and codine.)
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chokeonphrases: have you read my eljay
si x room suite: not yet
chokeonphrases: im god damn bored
chokeonphrases: man i should have went with michelle
si x room suite: where
chokeonphrases: to fuckin mexico
si x room suite: oh
si x room suite: i want to go
chokeonphrases: im saying goddamn a lot cause of that damn book
si x room suite: aHAHAH!
si x room suite: i did after i read it
chokeonphrases: andthe used dvde
si x room suite: i'm all about that book dude
chokeonphrases: cause hes like "and there was a goddamn bat right there
chokeonphrases: and i was like HAHAHAH
si x room suite: i was going to tell you something damnit
si x room suite: Oh i read you lj what about it
chokeonphrases: i bet youre wondering who its about eh
si x room suite: ummm
si x room suite: kinda
si x room suite: danielle?
chokeonphrases: haha WELL NOONES GOT TO KNOW!
si x room suite: what!
si x room suite: nigga tell me.
chokeonphrases: its a secret
si x room suite: tell me!
chokeonphrases: i read it over and thought jesus man that was fuckin kinda poetic and emo
si x room suite: you better be typing someone's name
si x room suite: it is
si x room suite: but who's it about
chokeonphrases: it's a secret
si x room suite: CHRISTOFUCK
si x room suite: tell me
chokeonphrases: that waxo guy has a good voice dude
si x room suite: don't change the subject hoe
chokeonphrases: man when i feel like tellin people then ill tell people
chokeonphrases: but for now YOU SIT AND WONDER.
chokeonphrases: goddamnit
si x room suite: ahh
si x room suite: i hate you!
chokeonphrases: i find this humorous
si x room suite: i think it's about
si x room suite: danielle so ungh
si x room suite: !
chokeonphrases: aaaaand you know what that means!
si x room suite: i don't
chokeonphrases: haha eljay time
si x room suite: FUCK
si x room suite: CHRIS
si x room suite: such a hag.
chokeonphrases: aHAAAAAHA im sinking like a stone in the...
si x room suite: it's about dani to the elle.
si x room suite: see. it is! oHHH i win
chokeonphrases: dude
chokeonphrases: YOU DONT KNOW
chokeonphrases: you think you know but you have nooo idea.
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(Here's to cheap sex and codine.)
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um...i've noticed every recent entry i've made i've been listening to brand new, and most of the times the song "tautou" and most of the times, late atnight or uh early morning i've been singing I'M SINKING LIKE A STONE IN THE SEA. I'M BURNING LIKE A BRIDGE FOR YOUR BODY. amazing song. i love it. umm i finally set aside pride and dled postal service and burned the cd and i like it...shhh. i work this weekend..i haven't even checked the schedule, i know its the 2nd, 3rd, 5th and some other days but it should be cool, but i know lindsay will be there and ill want to tear her fuckin heart out, ooo but it should be cool. uh i saw a movie called um "saving us from eva" funny shit..uh michelles in mexico for the weekend, she didnt even say bye we were watching a movie and she wa slike "im goin to bed" and then i didnt hear her so 5 minutes later i ask where she went and everyone told me she went to bed so i went in there and was like "so cool of you to say bye when you know im leaving later on homie" and i walked away and she was like "aw well im right here.....aaaand you're walking away" and i left, fucker. YES shoot me but i like to know someone cares. i went to a thrift store today and someone walked out with pants on, uhhhhh but they didn't walk in WITH those pants, ya see? anyway, i broke my heart. that is all. and lissa, no thanks for the email.
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(Here's to cheap sex and codine.)
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Thursday, July 31st, 2003
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god..i hate being so indecisive about EVERYTHING. i think it's seriously safe to say i'm the most confused/insecure/indecisive person alive, truly.... i tell myself onething and i try and stay on it and i find myself subconciously doing the complete opposite, it's i dunno dude, my mind knows what i need, and it knows how i should work and what i should do but my heart dude, it wants other things, or maybe it's complete vise versa..but something wants something in my body/mind that another part doesn't want. sometimes i feel something so strong, but other times i just feel like it's another thing that died and i kill muyself over these things dude, i tell myself YOU DON'T NEED THIS and i find myself unable to stand on my own two feet without it, it's like i can't fuckin function without this i'm telling myself i don't need. it'll be a vicious cycle too, i'll need it more than ever and then find myself wondering why i'm doing this. i'm seeing someone go the same route i went when i was 16 and i know you'll see what youre doing because i do! and i see thats it's fuckin tearing me apart, it's tearing you apart and when you finally realize that what you need and what you want is so i dunno, you'll see everything you're doing is just not fuckin worth it. i'm not worth it, nothing we're doing is. god haha i don't know what i'm saying...cause in a minute ill think the opposite. i don't know whatswrong with me and i dn't know how i lived this long with how i think. it's like IT USED TO BE THE REASON I BREATHE BUT NOW IT'S CHOKING ME UP. i had to goto church with michelle today and these 8th graders all nto the bro scene and tryin to act cool looked so ridiculous trying to act cool and i thought to myself how everyone tries to do it but they don't realize once you're out of high school it's not about impressing but rather about survival. idon't know what i need or what i want..i act on impulse of what i'm feeling at that moment. if they had a cure or some sort of drug for indecisiveness i think it'd only be fair that i could be the guinea pig in trying, anything to help this. i notice what cocaine does and how it's slowly fucking up my body and ill say im gonna stop but then i find myself using the only money i have that it took forever to get wasted in a matter of minutes on the thing i just said i didnt need.i'll look into her eyes and feel so strong but then its an abrupt vision of something i can't stand. or ill read her letters and ill remember everything and ill feel my heart throb at the thought of her and ill feel the love overflow so much that i can hardly breathe and then ill realize that i'[m dreaming and it can't be real or it's a phase. i wanna be responsible and have dignity but i find myself doing things that show nothing and not even a slight hint of integrity. i wanna/wanted to do good in school but i got caught up and did the opposite. i don't know what the fucks the matter with me but i just wish i could kill myself i wish it could be easier. i wish i could just DO IT. if i could i would drown myself...and while i'm drowning and my lungs are bleeding i could finally see everything that i wanted to. this is the price you pay for loss of control. in conclusion i have no idea who i am, what i need and why i'm here. and i love the song "tautou" by brand new
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(Here's to cheap sex and codine.)
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Wednesday, July 30th, 2003
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i'm sinking like a stone in the sea..i'm burning like a bridge for your body..
I'M SINKING LIKE A STONE IN THE SEA...I'M BURNING LIKE A BRIDGE FOR YOUR BODY.
i'm sinking like a stone in the sea..i'm burning like a bridge for your body..
I'M SINKING LIKE A STONE IN THE SEA...I'M BURNING LIKE A BRIDGE FOR YOUR BODY.
i'm sinking like a stone in the sea..i'm burning like a bridge for your body..
I'M SINKING LIKE A STONE IN THE SEA...I'M BURNING LIKE A BRIDGE FOR YOUR BODY.
i'm sinking like a stone in the sea..i'm burning like a bridge for your body..
I'M SINKING LIKE A STONE IN THE SEA...I'M BURNING LIKE A BRIDGE FOR YOUR BODY.i'm sinking like a stone in the sea..i'm burning like a bridge for your body..
I'M SINKING LIKE A STONE IN THE SEA...I'M BURNING LIKE A BRIDGE FOR YOUR BODY.i'm sinking like a stone in the sea..i'm burning like a bridge for your body..
I'M SINKING LIKE A STONE IN THE SEA...I'M BURNING LIKE A BRIDGE FOR YOUR BODY.i'm sinking like a stone in the sea..i'm burning like a bridge for your body..
I'M SINKING LIKE A STONE IN THE SEA...I'M BURNING LIKE A BRIDGE FOR YOUR BODY.i'm sinking like a stone in the sea..i'm burning like a bridge for your body..
I'M SINKING LIKE A STONE IN THE SEA...I'M BURNING LIKE A BRIDGE FOR YOUR BODY.i'm sinking like a stone in the sea..i'm burning like a bridge for your body..
I'M SINKING LIKE A STONE IN THE SEA...I'M BURNING LIKE A BRIDGE FOR YOUR BODY.i'm sinking like a stone in the sea..i'm burning like a bridge for your body..
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(Here's to cheap sex and codine.)
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since addictions are taking over my goddamn life i let go of some this week. itll be really hard and i cant look at at life without them but i need to do it. because im not going anywhere with them. im hoping to be clean without any of them at the end of summer...or fall..i dunno
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(1dead ♥ Here's to cheap sex and codine.)
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glassofjuice's journal
calm.
bouncy.
awake.
depressed.